6 I may not have working lady parts, but by-golly, I AM going to look like a lady!

It's a rainy day here in the Midwest and what better time to have a little hair date? Me + unwashed hair + the messy look is in = the perfect (undone) bun. Time to top it off with a little dress, some pumps and head out for...wait...I must have forgotten my agenda for the day. Scratch that. I'm keeping my sweats on and getting to work! Clean. Clean. Clean. But, I assure you, I will look darn cute scrubbing those tile floors and cleaning those closets! Actually, now that I think about it...the pumps will still come out.

0 modern nursery design

Whaaaaat?! A feature?! No WAY!! So all of that pinning does pay off.

6 infertility: finding God's peace during the journey

While part of me feels like I'm not qualified to write about God's peace during infertility (mostly because it took me a while to find that peace), the other part seems like I'm exploding with the need to share. I ordered this book from Amazon about two days after our last IUI (geez, it's already been over a month ago), following an excruciating time at Barnes and Noble looking for something to help me - anything. While there, I bashfully showed my list of interested books to the male clerk, only to be taken to the "grieving" section. I bolted out of there faster than lightening - crying all along the way. Once I got to the safety of my own home, I found the book on sale for a whopping $4.95. Click. It's mine. My only wish is that I had ordered it two years ago - at the beginning of this amazing, sad, and emotional journey.

As Tim and I started our journey, we had no idea what we were going to face. As I look back on my blog entries (which stir up all sorts of emotions) I do notice an underlying tone, though. This isn't just about us. This is about what we're truly supposed to be doing with our lives - what God has planned for us. Through looking deeper into myself and relying on God's will, I know that the feeling of being free and content I experienced following our last IUI was God telling me that he is in control. He has a plan for us - a plan that we weren't ready for, a plan that made us sad and question ourselves - but a plan that will prosper us and not harm us, a plan to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). I really know God is doing good things in our life and our infertility journey is just one act to show us that there is a bigger plan for our lives.

The book also talks about how to set boundaries for yourself as a couple - how far will you go?  I think this was the biggest thing for Tim and I. Before we even started fertility treatments, we knew that we would go as far as three rounds of IUIs. Following our third round, even though I was incredibly sad, I knew that it was what we needed to do. I think if we hadn't set those boundaries, we would have kept trying, kept throwing away our money, our time, and our energy til' who knows when. In truth, we could have become pregnant from IVF. Could have. But I, and certainly Tim after seeing my misery, wasn't willing to take any more of the emotions and disappointments. Along those same lines, I've learned it's okay to be sad - I will probably be forever sad that Tim and I cannot have our own biological children (oh, how I wish our babies would have his smile and heart). It makes me so. ridiculously. sad. Tears in eyes. Right now. Not tears out of selfishness, not out of jealously. Tears from my heart. My heart is sad. But with all of my tears, I feel better. I feel more comforted knowing that if I ask for the strength to get us through this journey, it will be done. Again, the picture of my life was painted long before all of the people before me and I would not be handed these trials if I wasn't able to handle them.

For my friends who are enduring the same journey, I encourage you to buy this book. Like I said earlier, I wish I had bought it as soon as we started trying to conceive (not to say I wouldn't have had all of the heartache) because it's a great reminder that God's in control. I guess what I'm trying to say is this; Infertility is an incredibly hard journey. There is no doubt about that. But knowing that there is another plan for you - maybe even a better plan (which might take a while to realize) - is incredibly comforting.

So, our next quest? Finding out what that plan really entails.

0 perm-a-grin

Our Memorial Days are generally spent on the lake, eating strawberries and brie, soaking up the rays of that summer sun. With all of the birthday excitement and family in town around here, we didn't end up making it to the lake this year. We did, though, still have a wonderful start to our summer. Tim and I packed a picnic, - wait, I mean we picked up Pizza Hut - grabbed some cards and crossword puzzles, and went down to the Liberty Memorial to listen to the Kansas City Symphony perform. Following the performance, there was a fireworks show along with the shooting of real cannons. It was pretty spectacular. Anyone looking at me would have noticed the perm-a-grin on my face the entire time. Somehow fireworks do it to me every time! I must like things that sparkle.

0 the big 5-0

 I have been a busy bee! My mom turned the big 5-0 last week and my aunts and cousin came in town to celebrate. We spent the weekend celebrating, and (to no surprise) I only got a few good snapshots.

A few times over the weekend, I found myself looking around at all of the wonderful people about me - feeling rediculously lucky to have them. They are truly the most fun, smartest, and goofiest people I know and I love them to death.

Have a great Memorial Day!

2 That boy...

...makes my heart smile. All of his country-boy-chewin'-on-a-toothpick-can't-stand-to-get-his-picture-taken self.

3 here's to the 2nd to last day of work!

Summer is right around the corner! With only one more day left of work, I'm getting anxious for that time spent at the lake, on our patio, in a hammock, or really anywhere but work!

In the mean time, I'm going to tackle on my "must do" list for the season. I always have a few summer projects, but I think this summer I'm just going to take it slow. My plan is to refocus and re-energize myself - because although I might seem like I've got it all together, I still feel like I'm falling apart.

So, here's to the 2nd to last day of work! And to the truly appreciated time that comes with summer vacation!

5 mom, dad, five girls, three boys (two of which are twins), and a cat

You know those (completely unnecessary) stickers people put on the back of their SUV/minivan that detail out their entire family? The ones of mom, dad, and however many children they have, sometimes even including their dogs. Yeah. Those ones. I was driving home from work yesterday and was sitting at a light behind a minivan that had...wait for it...six kids plastered on the back of the car! Six! I rolled it off, thinking thoughts like "that poor woman" and "wow, what a grocery bill" and kept on driving. And then, no joke, this morning I pulled out of the gas station behind an SUV with EIGHT kids on the back, and even a "twins on board" sticker! You have got to be kidding me!

I'm trying to be at peace with our infertility, but those little reminders that someone else has it all (or at least more than their fair share. Seriously? Eight kids? And all I want is one?), and we've got nothing, really stinkin' burn. And I know that's not the truth. I know that I have so much, but geez, I've got to stop working in the suburbs.

Anywho, have a great weekend!

0 french toast & fresh berries bake

As I have mentioned before, I am trying to be a little more adventurous in cooking. Saturday mornings are good for that - I actually have time to making something! So, last Saturday, with the help of some delicious fresh berries, I threw together a French Toast and Berries Bake. It. Was. Amazing! I put it on my list of recipes to make when we open our own B&B in fairy-tale land. I can see it now...the guests are going be sipping mimosas and eating breakfast, all while watching the sun rise on their private patio. They will come to me telling me how wonderful breakfast was and then when they get home - they'll rave some more. People all over will be coming to our fairy-tale land B&B asking for the famous french toast concoction!...and I will kindly woo them with it, too.

Ahh...dreams.

So here's the recipe.

Ingredients:

1 loaf french breada

6 egg whites

3 eggs

1 ¾ c milk

1 t sugar

1 t nutmeg

1 t vanilla extract

¼ t salt

2 c blueberries, blackberries, and/or strawberries

2 T cold butter

1/3 c packed brown sugar

Directions:

1. Pre-heat the oven to 350.    

2. Lightly mist a 9x13 baking dish with cooking spray and fill with bread cubes. In a large bowl, whisk together the egg whites, eggs, milk, sugar, nutmeg, vanilla and salt until combined. Pour egg mixture evenly over the bread cubes. Cover dish with aluminum foil.

3. Bake it in the oven, covered, for 30 minutes.

4. Put the brown sugar in a small bowl and using two knives, cut the cold butter into the brown sugar until combined into a fine crumble. When the baking dish comes out of the oven, sprinkle the berries evenly over the top of the bread, followed by the brown sugar crumb topping. 

5. Return to the oven, uncovered, and bake for an additional 15-20 minutes. 

0 and I ask myself again, why don't we do this more often?

Running around in your own backyard is just plain old-school-being-a-kid fun. F.U.N. 

I think I am going to start chasing after the dog out there - he knows what's up! Running around trying to catch a birdie, all the while, getting grass in your toes. Count me in!

2 a mother's day celebration

Samantha, Michael, Mom, Zach, Charlie, Katie, Tim, Grandpa, Allie, Dad

Michael (brother), Samantha, Mom, Katie (sister), Charlie (neice)

What a busy and beautiful weekend! We hosted a mother's day celebration for my mom and sister - the weather was perfect, the company even better, and the food...delish. Tim and I competed for total glory in badminton only to loose to my brother and brother-in-law. It was a fair fight, but ultimately, it's hard to play anything in a dress...especially after a few glasses of wine. We even stayed up past 9:30 (what?!?)...on a Sunday! I couldn't believe it! And truthfully, I'm kind of wishing I would have laid in bed for another few hours to make up for it. Blast. Happy Monday, everyone!

and...Happy Mother's Day, Mom and Katie!

*Mom, sorry for the first picture of you - but you just wouldn't look at the darn camera!

1 because the june sun has come in may

...and this, my friends, is where you will find me all weekend long. Soaking up the sun with a glass of champagne and a good book.

Happy Friday!

3 holy avacado!

I've tried to pull the "I can't cook" card many too times in my day. The thing is, I CAN cook. And I actually really enjoy it. I think before, I didn't know WHAT to cook. That is where Pinterest comes in to play. I have found a wonderful array of recipes and have become quite adventurous. Last night I made Cilantro and Lime Crab Salad in Avocado Halves Perfection! They were just as good as they look! 

Do you have any favorite recipes you found on Pinterest?

6 we are the 3%

Ten percent of people are infertile. Many of those people can become parents through simple medical interventions. Of that ten percent, there is a small number (3%) that can only be helped through IVF, donor sperm/eggs or just simply will never have children.

We are that three percent. At a healthy 26, it is hard for me to believe. In fact, I have known this for a week or so now, I just didn't have the courage to write about it. We have been put into Dr. S's "special pile" (more like, black list). The news was hard to take in, but was exactly the closure we needed to move from this stage in our life. We have done everything in our power that we are comfortable with and when/if we ever change our mind about IVF we can always call Dr. S and start right away.

The thing is, I think I am starting to understand that even though this wasn't our plan, it doesn't mean this isn't how it's supposed to be. We have grown and matured as individuals and in our relationship beyond my dreams. This is only the beginning. I'm not sure if I will ever call Dr. S. He did everything he could, but if this wasn't the plan created for us, then it's not going to happen.

As I cry and grieve, Tim continues to reassure me that we will have a family one day, it just might not be exactly how we planned or imagined it. But it will be ours. I have no doubt in my mind that he's right.

0 sometimes you've got to stop and smell the roses

Tim woke up early Saturday morning with an itch for romance. He is naturally a romantic - but something seemed extra special about this Saturday morning. He made coffees, we grabbed some donuts, and he whisked me out to the rose garden near our house. We walked and talked and literally, stopped at every bush of roses to smell them. After such a long and stressful week, it was the perfect reminder of how stinkin' lucky I am. And how stinkin' much I love this life.

Happy Monday!

0 To Tim -

You are my life boat. When I feel like waves are crashing down on me and I just want to give up, you are right there waiting for me. Waiting for me to pull myself up - giving me all of the encouragement and faith that I need. If it weren't for you, I would be floating somewhere in the middle of the sea. (really, I wouldn't be getting out of bed in the morning) But instead, the two of us are headed to shore. I know we'll hit some waves along the way, but I trust you. Why? Because you save me, every single time. I could never do this without you. Ever. Ever.

Your love,
Me

0 it looks like she made it

Charlotte Francis Craddock was born early Tuesday morning - which officially makes me an aunt. We went to visit, and although it was very bittersweet, I couldn't help but be ecstatic for my sister and her husband. This little girl is going to be so loved. Having grown up with the world's coolest aunts, I know I have a lot to live up to myself, and I'm looking forward to spoiling the heck out of her. Congrats Katie and Zach!

0 pretty in peach

Peach is one of those colors that is so soft and fresh that you can't help but love it. The trouble is finding how to wear it and what colors to mix it with. I tend to lean towards the blue and green families when using it, but I love the tough look of peach and black, too. It's just one of those colors that will always be relevent - however it's used!