“Isn’t that interesting?..that makes so much sense”
That is the response I get from my mother every time I tell
her about our fertility appointments, injections, sonograms, and monthly
pregnancy tests. I can’t stand it. I feel like this process has pulled us apart
because 1) She doesn’t know how to talk to me and 2) I am too much of a mess to
tell her that what she is currently doing doesn’t help.
When I was young, I would go to my mom about everything. She
would know immediately if I was upset, hurt, worried, excited or anxious. She
knew me so well. I would talk to her about everything. She took care of me.
Ever since Tim and I have been married, I would say that our relationship has
changed. She now sees me as a well balanced, take-care-of-herself kind of
person. She doesn’t worry about me. She knows I can handle whatever comes. Part
of that evolution in thought comes from the fact that the things I used to go
to her for, I now go to Tim for. He sees the vulnerable side of me – not her.
When I first came to her about the fertility issues Tim and
I were facing, I would tell her about my meds, injections, sonograms and such. She’s
a nurse, so she always sees it from the scientific side. She asks questions
about how the meds work or comments on how interesting it all is. That’s great when I’m
talking a to a nurse, but when I’m talking to my mom, I want her to comfort me.
I want her to tell me everything’s going to me okay. I want her to ask “How are
you doing with all of this?” knowing that as soon as I hear it, I will turn
into my 13 year old self and begin sobbing. Because, of all people, she should
be the first to know that I’m not doing okay. I’m a mess. I’m an utter mess and
I don’t know how to fix it.
