0 {shoot me up}

I went to the doctor today only to find out that my eggs weren't done and I needed a few extra days to cook. It was a little stressful, seeing as I've been trying to be positive about everything. I took my HCG shot home with me and Tim will have to give it to me on Sunday. That should be interesting.

I asked how many rounds we would be doing the letrozole/steriod combo and she said this round would be our last. If this cycle doesn't work we need to make another appointment with the doctor to investigate other possibilities. I know that wherever we end up next month it will be another move in the right direction (positive juices). The only stinker? We will loose a month of trying because of the appointment. Let's hope this round works. Cross your fingers. PLEASE!



*Update* I had my mom, a nurse, give me the HCG shot. Tim tarted getting pale just at the idea of it...boys.

0 {vintage changing table}

I made my usual loop around the Habitat for Humanity's ReStore the other day only to come across a little buffet. It's vintage-looking with thin legs and detail in the drawers. As soon as I saw it, my mind started spinning around all of the ways it could be used. I didn't take long for "changing table" to pop in. So, that's my plan - to restore this adorable little buffet into a changing table/dresser with style. I plan to make a few changes, like porcelain casters, new hardware, and a tray-style top.

This is what I've got to work with....

My inspiration...

The funny thing...I don't even need a changing table. If this whole baby thing doesn't work out for us, I'm going to start looking like the crazy "baby-obsessed" woman that makes the five o'clock news. Eyh, I'll take my chances.

0 {weekend}

Tim and I really enjoy spending time outside - sitting on the patio with a Boulevard Pale Ale or getting our hands dirty in the yard, we always have an excuse to be out there. That being said, I have to admit that my ideal Saturday morning is NOT raking dead grass out of the yard so that we can plant new grass. My questions is always.."Our yard looks better than anyone else in the neighborhood's, why are we doing this, again?" His response is always..."THIS is why ours looks the best. This is what you do to have a nice lawn." Blah blah blah. Five hours of raking and spreading new seed, I could barely walk the next day. Thankfully, my Sundays only consist of watching football and laundry.

In between the lawn work and football, I had a little time to myself. Tim drove to Lawrence for a KU NBA alumni game and I had an entire Saturday afternoon to do whatever I wanted! I didn't even know where to start. Needless to say, my eyebrows are plucked, my nails are painted, some new items were added to my closet, a few glasses of wine were had and I went to bed before ten. What a lovely Saturday!

0 {round three}

I just picked up my meds for this month. Letrozole (5mg) and Dexamethazone (.5mg steroid). We're on round three. WOO HOO! Third time's a charm, right? I don't know if it's the fresh start or what, but I am feeling good about this. At least upbeat, anyway. I have a feeling if the third round doesn't work we'll be moving on to something a little different. So either way, it could be the last cycle of this drug cocktail. 

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who is in the exact phase that I am...and are they hopeful or frustrated? I need some positive energy.

0 {perks}

We live in an older part of the city with mostly young couples or older poeple who either never had kids, or their kids are grown. Living in the city, most people don't choose to have children here because the schools aren't the best. We plan on having our kids here until they're old enough to go to school. I like the idea of walking to coffee, going for runs and enjoying the city life we have grown to love with youngsters. Our house is really small, but I know we'll make it work. That challenge of making every space count is one that I'm looking forward to. We do a pretty good job of it now, but our house is anything but kid friendly. That will be the real challenge. Style with kids.

When I went to the neighbors house yesterday to finalize some shower plans, they had just finished decorating their nursery. Excited as can be, they guided me back to the room and showed me everything.

It was adorable. Eclectic, fresh, playful, and yet, still adult. It was perfect. Many things they did I would have chosen for my own nursery.

Their house has EXCTLY the same floor plan as ours. It was weird seeing what is currently our office turn into a nursery. Everything fit in there perfectly. It was exactly how I had imagined our nursery. Now I can stop worrying if everything will fit, or how big the crib would seem. I have seen it, and it works.

I guess there are perks to people having babies before us.

2 {all it took was a little unprotected sex}

We found out that our next-door neighbors were pregnant. Truth-be-told, I knew this was coming. As soon as I noticed they traded in their economical, practical, city-loving Toyota in for an SUV (who does that?!?!), I had been preparing myself. Even with weeks of "it will be fine, Samantha" running through my head, when I found out, I calmly went into the house and started tearing up. At the time, Tim and I had been trying for 11 months and we had just made our appointment for the fertility doctor. As I told the neighbors "Congratulations" they responded with "Yeah, all it took was a little unprotected sex." (Which I thought was a bit inappropriate to say to someone they didn't know that well, but whatever.) If all it took was a little unprotected sex, we would have a house full of babies. But we don't.

Anyways, the neighbors are having a baby. Since it's the first baby of the neighborhood (which, again, I always thought it would be ours), we are throwing a shower. I offered to host, since parties are kind of my thing. I am looking forward to having all of the neighbors over to celebrate, but I find it a bit ironic that I'm the one who is throwing it. I really am happy for them, but seeing it and hearing everyone's excitement for it makes me a little depressed. Don't worry, just a little.

We'll see how this goes.

0 {...but what if}

Again, I couldn't wait until Saturday morning to take a pregnancy test. Friday after work, I grabbed a stick and peed.

Even though I'd convinced myself that it was going to be negative, when I peed on that stick I got a rush of "...but what if it's positive?" My body started to tingle, my heart started to race and my mind went in every direction. It lasted about one minute. Once that thin blue line appeared all alone on the stick, reality came back. Fifteen cycles of lonesome thin blue lines is really starting to wear on me. I have noticed my emotions to be much more rocky lately and my hope is dwindling. I am crying more than I would like to admit and hearing about other people's lovely baby stories is making me sick to my stomach. Literally.

I don't like being this emotional, but I can't seem to push it away. I'm ready for that rush and tingle of "positivity" to stick around a while. I'm ready for my mind to start racing away from "This sucks!" and towards "Oh my gosh!!!!!"

That will be the day.

0 {congratulations, it's a cow!}

I'm being pumped with vitamins, steriods and hormones. I'm getting things shot into me and blood pulled out. In recalling this to my wonderful husband, his simple response was...

"I think it will work, but I'm really affraid they're going to tell us you're pregnant with a cow instead of a baby."

0 {fall-inspiring}

The cool air is changing my style. I have been taking a liking to long skirts, neutral colors, and pale skin. As my own style changes, I have also noticed my nursery style to be more natural and masculine.

I found these to be fall-inspiring.

t

2 {congratulations!}

(Scene: Lake Winnebego BBQ contest with close family and family friends.)

Uncle: Hey Tim & Samantha! We're so glad to see you guys. Congratulations!
Tim: Uhm...Hey P! Thanks?!
Not knowing what on earth he was talking about, we assumed a) he was joking or b) we won something.
Uncle: We're so happy for you guys!
Me: What are you talking about?
Uncle: We got your message...

Our light bulbs instantly turned on. They got a text (classy, I know) from my sister telling them she was pregnant. He did not have the number in his phone and assumed it was us. How exciting, right? We spent the rest of the night cutting "Congratulations!" short by breaking the news that it wasn't us, it was my sister.

Awesome.

0 {awesome products}

While browsing the web for diaper bags, I came across this great bag! It's designed by Petunia Pickle Bottom. Their ambition for well-designed and functional baby products led them to creating their own company where they could do just that. They now sell bags, bedding, carriers, and accessories for parents. The Journey Pack was my favorite of the products, I could see Tim wearing everywhere and not feeling a too "daddy". All the while, I would love to carry this. It's sophisticated and practical at the same time. Nice work, PPB!

Below I've listed the bag's features and price.

Journey Pack Heathered Grey, $159

* 2 exterior bottle pockets that “snap-off”
* 2 interior pockets for easy “reach and grab”
* 1 large interior magnetic snap pocket
* 1 interior bottle pocket and snaps for repositioning one of the exterior "snap-off" bottle pockets to the inside
* 1 wide flat back exterior magazine pocket
* 1 front exterior pocket with magnetic snap
* 1 lined cell phone pocket
* Convenient water resistant changing pad with “snap-in” compartment for storage
* Custom Scout monogrammed plastic wipes case in coordinating color
* Valet Stroller clips with storage bag
* Adjustable shoulder strap adjusts from 41”-52”
* Custom antique brass hardware with debossed logos
* Custom clip and ring mechanism for front closure
* Easy to clean lining, inverts to dump out crumbs
* Dimensions : 14”L x 16” W x 14”H x 5.5”D
* How to clean: Felt can be hand washed with mild soap, air dry.
* Reviewed as best Daddy diaper bag by babble.com

0 {he never talks about it}

Boys are funny. This conversation happened...

Logan: Is Tim as excited about having a baby as Samantha is?
Meagan: Yeah, I think he is.
Logan: Well, he never talks about it, and she talks about it all of the time.
Meagan: Yeah, I'm sure he's as excited, he just doesn't talk about it because he's a guy.
Logan: Well, doesn't he know how much I love kids? I would love to hear how excited he is. I should ask him about it. He can talk to me.


When Meagan told me about this conversation with her boyfriend, I couldn't help but chuckle. Logan truly was concerned and didn't quite understand why Tim didn't talk about having a baby. I knew exactly why Tim didn't talk about it and went on to explain.

When we first started trying, the two of us were ear to ear smiles at just the thought of babies. We would see couples and their little ones and just melt at the idea of us in that same situation. We talked about it constantly, thought about it even more, and read up on all of the must-know. That excitement lasted for a really long time, but as we continued to get negative results, it felt like our dream was being squashed. The excitement turned into frustration. Although we always kept a positive persona, it was really hard to be excited about something that wasn't happening. So, after a year or so of trying to concieve, the talking started to slow down. Instead of reading blogs and info on what to know when you were pregnant and DIY nursery projects, we began reading things about infertility and why it was taking so long. Month after month, those things start to wear on you.

It's almost easier to numb yourself to the emotional roller coaster than to openly talk about it like it will happen. It hasn't happened. I don't know if it will happen any time soon. And when we do talk about it now, it is in a medical sense. We don't think about it in a hopeful, "Can't wait," "It's going to happen this time" way. Our emotions have been taken out of the equation and things like "10% chance" and "Stage 2" have filled their places.

Everyone goes through things that other people don't quite understand. And honestly, you can't blame them. It's just like the Walgreens clerk telling you to "just relax". You thank her for her support and anthough you're really irritated with the comment, you can't get mad because her intentions are good. She JUST DOESN'T get it. I can't expect my friends to understand what we're going through either. I can only thank them for the tremendous support that they have given us.

0 {outside baby makin'}

I go to the doctor today for a sonogram and my second HCG shot.
Funny thing, we are headed to the lake this weekend and will be camping. Last cycle we were camping, too! Maybe that's what we've been doing wrong all of this time. Too much indoor/bedroom lovin'. It's time for some outside baby makin'! Wish us luck!