Boys are funny. This conversation happened...
Logan: Is Tim as excited about having a baby as Samantha is?
Meagan: Yeah, I think he is.
Logan: Well, he never talks about it, and she talks about it all of the time.
Meagan: Yeah, I'm sure he's as excited, he just doesn't talk about it because he's a guy.
Logan: Well, doesn't he know how much I love kids? I would love to hear how excited he is. I should ask him about it. He can talk to me.
When Meagan told me about this conversation with her boyfriend, I couldn't help but chuckle. Logan truly was concerned and didn't quite understand why Tim didn't talk about having a baby. I knew exactly why Tim didn't talk about it and went on to explain.
When we first started trying, the two of us were ear to ear smiles at just the thought of babies. We would see couples and their little ones and just melt at the idea of us in that same situation. We talked about it constantly, thought about it even more, and read up on all of the must-know. That excitement lasted for a really long time, but as we continued to get negative results, it felt like our dream was being squashed. The excitement turned into frustration. Although we always kept a positive persona, it was really hard to be excited about something that wasn't happening. So, after a year or so of trying to concieve, the talking started to slow down. Instead of reading blogs and info on what to know when you were pregnant and DIY nursery projects, we began reading things about infertility and why it was taking so long. Month after month, those things start to wear on you.
It's almost easier to numb yourself to the emotional roller coaster than to openly talk about it like it will happen. It hasn't happened. I don't know if it will happen any time soon. And when we do talk about it now, it is in a medical sense. We don't think about it in a hopeful, "Can't wait," "It's going to happen this time" way. Our emotions have been taken out of the equation and things like "10% chance" and "Stage 2" have filled their places.
Everyone goes through things that other people don't quite understand. And honestly, you can't blame them. It's just like the Walgreens clerk telling you to "just relax". You thank her for her support and anthough you're really irritated with the comment, you can't get mad because her intentions are good. She JUST DOESN'T get it. I can't expect my friends to understand what we're going through either. I can only thank them for the tremendous support that they have given us.